This blog has not been different from any of my others. I really have (what I think is an amazing idea) and I put in the initial investment of setting up the servers and getting the website online. Then, I get bored and give things up.
I should have been using this blog to get things out of my head. To escape from these four walls that I am stuck in. I am not sure this is a COVID side-effect, I think this is an introvert side-effect.
Does it make a difference that I truly want to break free? That I would like to become more extroverted?
The lack of interaction with people is really taking a toll on me. I thought I was unsettled before, I’m extremely unsettled now. I never imagined that I would miss going to work. I have tried to stay in touch with people, but, I keep going stir-crazy.
I’m ready for this whole thing to be over, and I am ready to start socializing. I keep thinking about all of the plans I avoided because I didn’t want to socialize. I promise, I’ll try not to do that again.
I joined a local discord, but, it seems weird. Plus everyone shows their junk. I’m not sure I grew up in a time where that was acceptable?
As you read through this, I’m sure I am no different than anyone else during this Global Pandemic. There have to be a ton of people who are single and having to go through this alone.
It has been over 30 days since I’ve had any real contact with the outside world. Unless we’re counting random people at a drive-thru as real contact, perhaps I should have taken a poll.
I should be walking outside more during this. Keeping non-traditional hours makes walking difficult. The non-traditional hours also make it difficult to interact with people.
Recently, I’ve met a couple of people from some new Discord groups. You talk with someone for like four days only to find out half of the things they told you were a lie. I don’t really understand the point of starting it all off with a lie.
Do people truly expect that after the entire foundational relationship that has been built can just change? When you tell people where you’re from, it should be real. When you tell people your name, it should be real. When you tell people your age, it should be real.
You can’t build that foundation and then just tear it out from under the friendship, and expect things to remain the same.
I guess one thing remains the same, we’re both still lonely and just wanting to have some interaction with some other human.
Emotions have been running very high. Lonely, starting to become sad, missing human interaction, emptiness, despair, and having to stay hidden from other humans.
As the month draws to a close, I’ll take a little time to reflect. I’ll just admit defeat, I’ll try not to make this into a pity party for myself. Every week I seem to tell myself I need to change a few things. Simple things. Really simple things.
Simple things, that I just tell myself “next week”, I pretend to make a plan, go through the week and do it all over again. My list is simple:
Get a full nights sleep, wake up, and not nap until work.
Make a shopping list. A healthy shopping list.
I make lists, or, I start to make the list. I guess in my head the ritual of making the list is enough.
Is it normal to make so many excuses to not eat healthy? I need to finish eating the groceries I just bought. Among others.
I think I’m serious this time. 😉 I’m going to do this. Just after I finish the food I just bought. I’m going to purchase a 5-day meal plan and stick to it.
If I just surround myself with food options that are on the meal plan, it will just be simple. Right?
I still feel like I’m just rolling through work on zombie mode. I really can’t think of one thing I’ve done this week other than over-sleep and go to work. I did get Starbucks today, I wonder if that counts as doing something different?
I had a poor night of sleep. In return, I’ve been dragging through the entire day. Not only that, I took a nap right after I woke up. I know I said I would stop. I wonder if it’s the sun, or, my lack of sun exposure.
I have a fancy light therapy lamp to help prevent being SAD getting seasonal affective disorder. I need to dig it out of the closet and actually use it. I tend to do that often, buy things and then file them away. It’s almost like the almonds I buy. I picked some up at the store, I haven’t eaten any of them, but, I’ve already ordered more.
Why does growing up just mean we’re only left with boring thing to do? We work all week just trying to make it until Friday. Saturday comes and goes in the flash of an eye. Then it’s Sunday morning and you finally feel rested; but, you’re left with chores and other boring adult things.
I feel like I’ve stopped living life, and, I’m just going through the motions. I blur through the week and sleep through the weekend. Is this normal? Is this all we’re left with?
I have three to four days before some new medication arrives. After that my life transformation will begin.
I know it isn’t January 1st, and it is not time for a New Year’s Resolution; but, I’m making a New Life Resolution. I have to make drastic changes, not only figuring out how to add social items into my day-to-day life, but also starting to live life for me.
Let’s just get organized. I need to:
become more active
get out more
travel the world
stop worrying about tomorrow, live in today
take journaling more seriously
better sleep hygiene
I am going to set a reminder and attempt to do this before bed each day. I might allow myself to skip, but, I am going to try and just open up and write.
I have set a reminder and post every Sunday with a progress update. This will start December 22nd, 2019. I will start with the baseline 0 and each week track a week loss or gain and a total loss or gain difference.
I’m going to call it a day. It’s been a fairly productive weekend. I accomplished a lot of things from my personal To-Do. I’m actually going to bed on a positive note. Today has been an amazing day. I was full of energy and I didn’t take any naps.
I haven’t really explained, but, the naps are out of control. There are days when I take two or three. Some of them I just do for no good reason. Some mornings I will get out of bed, get onto the couch, start watching TV and just nap to pass the time until work.
The last three months, I’ve done nothing but sleep.
It’s time to wake up. I’ve said it many times over the last three months, but, today I was awake.
What a strange couple of weeks. It all began when I kept cruising AirBNB for places to stay during some upcoming time away from work. I’ve always had this on-again off-again friend from Southern Illinois. We met each other when I was 20 and he was 18.
He and I have kept in touch, on-again off-again ever since. He has always had this ability to find a guy who wanted to control every aspect of his emotions and which friendships were allowed and end those he didn’t approve of.
He and I haven’t spoken in about 5 years or so. Hell, it may be longer than 5 years. He came to visit me, stayed a weekend, and disappeared. Turns out he started dating (I believe his ex) who was jealous of our friendship. I guess he thought we were just constantly having sex.
A couple of weeks ago I started to plan a weekend getaway, and I found an AirBNB in a town I’ve always thought he had moved to. One of the houses I started to look at was hosted by someone with the same name.
Between his relationships, we had already managed to reconnect and chat. This time is no different. Apparently after his relationship he sends me a text to reconnect. I’m not sure if it’s ironic this happened around the same time I thought about him.
It feels good to reconnect. I’m glad he’s doing good.
Welcome to my new blog… again. This is the 90th domain I’ve purchased to start a blog. Let’s see how long this one lasts. I’m a fan of the name, because, I am Unsettled. I’ve tried to collect a few neat new domains.
I think I’ve decided the .wtf domain should be the primary, because, what the fuck.
Please brace yourself to be disappointed, bored, and annoyed with the endless blabbing that I plan on doing here.
I typically keep a simple journal. I have been formatting my journal in a fairly unique way. I start with two lists: 1) Three things I accomplished today. 2) Three things I am thankful for.
Then I’ll write a reflective journal about today. My goal is to write for about twenty minutes a day, so the paragraphs are simple and not really expected to be about quantity.
The last section I write about is a retrospective about my feelings from yesterday. I try to review my entry and validate or discredit the feelings. It’s always easy to write things in the heat of the moment, but you should realize and accept they may not have been the most productive thoughts.
I am excited that we are going to take this, now public, journey together.