We all knew I would do it. While writing does bring a certain calm to my life, I enjoy the chaos of life. It’s almost hard to believe that I’ve neglected this blog since September of 2021. Where has the time gone? Why does life seem to be moving faster now?
Since the time we spoke last unless you are among the few who have access to my other blog, I should bring you up to speed on life.
October 2021
I recently started venturing (back) out into the gay world just a few months prior. There were a couple of people with whom I had been texting very regularly since August. What is more healthy than an established text friendship transitioning into a face-to-face company? We are no longer living in the early ’90s, where all you could do was AOL Message the gays you had met online. It was 2021.
Sunday, October 3rd, 2021: I had decided. The two gays I had been texting, I was finally going to stop beating around the bush and ask if they wanted to go out. I had also decided I needed to rip the bandaid off and stop being scared of the gay bars. One of the two guys I had been texting had a favorite hang out, a place he went to every Monday, religiously, as they put it. It was an exciting concept, a local gay bar that was a hangout… the place where everyone knew your name.
Finding solace in stormy weather, as a thunderstorm blew into town, I thought: there is no better time than now tomorrow to start this new journey. So I sent a text to both of those guys, announcing my intentions. “Hi, I know that Monday at [that local bar] is your going out on the town day. I think I’m finally ready to go back to a gay bar. So I’m going to show up; if you’re planning on being there, I’ll see you then. If not, please don’t make any special trip. I might get nervous and leave a few minutes after arriving, and I don’t want you to waste your time”.
Whew, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Indeed it was.
Monday, October 4th, 2021: Mission Gay Bar.
The night started off fairly decent. Guy 1 showed up, we had some great conversation, a friend of his showed up, and we all had some good conversations and laughed.
I won’t go into too much detail here (because I posted this on my gay blog), but needless to say, it was a shit show.
My luck. It figures that I go out for the first time in ages and the night was a complete trainwreck.
Guy 1=Amazing new friend. [Even to this day… which is Tuesday, May 10th, 2022] he and I remain friends. We formed a bond over the trauma from this night. Although, honestly, Guy 1 was too drunk to realize I was having trauma inflicted on me.
Friend 1=Pocket gay. Adorable. Allusive. Hits on me with that hint of reservation/hard to get type of way. — Warping forward to May 2022, he and I have gone on a few dates. Something about him makes me wonder what if, but, I’m too nervous to see where it will go. Just an odd feeling about him, when we are together.
Friend 2=A gay who had been catfishing me… although, it wasn’t the guy he was pretending to be. He brought his real self to the bar, obviously… but made some statements that I had heard. Sentences and elevator pitches that had already been given to me… but, but a different face. A simple text message from me to the “other guy” to whom I had been texting and this guy’s phone dings. The look on his face was priceless. Nothing else needed to be said. Warping forward to May 2022… this guy still texts me randomly. He wanted to “start over” and “pretend it never happened”. I might be good at acting (not slapping people or showing my bitch face in person) but, I’m not that good. Hard pass for me.
The rest of October was met with some personal time. A lot of hiking, a lot of reflection, and, a lot of drinking. Yes, I started drinking again.
November & December 2021
Attempting to keep a low profile, I did start going out to a weekly gay event. I’m not even sure I should talk about it, because, it still happens to this day. Yes, I’m the loud offensive one.
I did meet a guy, handsome, Latino, master’s educated, funny, and shared the same dark humor that I have.
The year was ending. Nature was starting its annual cleanse. This is exactly what I needed to do. I need to start expelling everything from my life that I wouldn’t need starting the next year. I have carried a lot of baggage with me, for a long time. Truth be told, not all of it was my baggage. I am the friend that everyone will dump their baggage onto and I am left carrying the bags.
Oddly, a new friend that I’ve made this year (it’s currently May 2022) and I have had this conversation recently.
Like any problem in life. I started with problem analysis. Define what I perceived the problem as and reflect on some data to make a decision. There weren’t many people I needed to cut from my emotional life. But, there were some. The process of offloading that emotional drama happened from November to December.
2022 will be MY year
I haven’t expected much out of life, recently. I had been content being with the same person, doing the same things. Not taking any time for myself and feeling trapped at work. After the offloading of friends who always counted on me, but, who I could never count on. I continue down my journey of taking control of my life.
Stay tuned for another blog post where I will try to summarize the first four months of this year.
I’ll make another laughable promise… I will truly come back and post weekly? 😉